Thursday, August 26, 2010

In loving memory of My grandpa!

One thing I've learned in the last 2 and a half weeks is that no matter how tightly you cling to someone or something, it doesn't make it yours.

On August 2, 2010. We got the nightmare call around 12:45 AM that my Grandpa ( who I'm really close too) was killed in a farming accident. It came as a total shock. None of us were prepared for it. We don't really know what happened, just that he was out working on equipment ( something he's done for years) and when we went to start up the tractor, it was in 3rd gear ( something he's never done before) He somehow got pinned between the tractor and the pickup ( were assuming that he must of tried to get to the pickup and didn't make it). He was gone before anyone knew something was wrong.

I had just drifted off to sleep and was maybe asleep an hour before I heard moms phone ring. My heart instantly went to my throat, the phone doesn't just ring at 1245 AM for no reason. I knew before mom got off the phone that something wasn't right. I couldn't tell at first who she was on the phone with but I knew one thing, she was UPSET!!! I at this point was in tears my self...though I didn't know why yet. I had to know but couldn't make my self get up to ask.. I knew I had to know but was scared to know. I didn't have to ask. I heard mom say that we'd be on our way as soon as she got everyone up and around, I was in full panic at this point. I didn't know what was going but I knew it wasn't good if she was going to wake the entire household up.  I heard mom attempt to tell dad what was going on through the tears. I completely lost it at first, then I went numb with shock. Finally around 3 or so we had managed to get packed and ready to go. we didn't know how long we'd be gone at this point, or what we would find when we got there. We just knew we needed to Grandma QUICK!.

My other Grandparents had already heard. My aunt asked them to go stay with my Grandma till one of us could get there. They left shortly after we got to my Grandma's around 5 ( Kansas time). They had been there since 1 ( Colorado time) and was utterly exhausted.  We didn't know what to do at first. None of us had any sleep ( unless you include that 1 hour). Mom kept trying to get me to go lay down but I knew there was NO way I going to be able to sleep. I was too upset and my stomach was in knots. Finally around 6:30, 7:00 ( Kansas time) I decided to go ahead and at least lay down for a little bit and ended up falling into a restless sleep for about an hour or so.

Everything from here on out is a complete blur. Family started to arrive later that afternoon. My moms sister and her DC were the first to show up. Then her Brother and one of their DC got there around 2 or so (Colorado time). My Aunt and the rest of there DC showed up sometime that evening. It was a very emotional greeting and reunion to say the least. None of us knew quite what to say, I don't think.

More family showed up throughout the week and we finally had everyone together Friday morning.

We were all at a loss on where to start at first. The Food, Friends, Phone calls, and everything else started to pour in. We had a houseful of Friends from the morning after it happened till we came back home. That is one AMAZING community. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE loved my Grandpa.

Michael was finally able to fly into Colorado springs on Wednesday! My Dads parents, Dad and my self went and got him.

Because some of Grandpa's family lives in Canada we didn't want to have the funeral too early to give them time to get here. My Mom, Uncle Dewayne, Aunt Kimila, and my Grandma went and talked to the funeral director to start making funeral arrangements.They decided to have the funeral on Friday in Kim Colorado, which is about 30 miles from my Grandma's house. We were new to the whole funeral planning process ( not exactly something you want to be good at) so it was a learning process for all of us, and a stressful one at that. Friends were more then willing to step up and take care of whatever we needed so they were a HUGE help in the whole thing. We couldn't of done it without them. It was pretty much on my Mom, Aunt and, Uncle because ( as expected) my Grandma was still in huge shock and not at all thinking clearly enough to help out much. They got her input as much as they could.

I was still in complete shocked and still hadn't processed this whole thing. I wanted desperately to talk to one of my really good friends but the signal out there is horrible. I had to end up texting her the news ( something I didn't want to do) but luckily we did  get enough signal to text back and fourth and finally picked up enough signal to talk on the phone some. Just being able to hear her voice helped a lot!, to have a reassuring voice and just someone to talk to and cry to and someone to tell me that everything will be OK eventually!.

The few days before the funeral, like I said before, was a complete blur with funeral arrangements, family coming in. spending time with friends and family and just trying to survive and get through each and everyday.

Having a houseful of friends and family helped keep me distracted and my mind off of it. I also welcomed some alone time  in there too.  I didn't really feel like being with anyone or talking to anyone, but it was for the better. Wed evening I got the pleasant surprise from a friend saying that they were coming to the funeral. I was in utter shock.  I didn't know what to say. I realized over the course of these past 3 weeks just how amazing my friends are. Having her there meant a lot to me. Just having someone you can lean on and know they're there for you no matter what, really helps. Helps make a very difficult time a whole lot easier. I know there were several more close friends that wanted to be there but couldn't due to certain reasons.,..just knowing they wanted to be there meant a LOT!. The funeral is somewhat of a blur....don't really remember a whole lot about it. My uncle made this really really neat video of all of us 17 Grand-Kids telling about our favorite memory and what we loved most about our grandpa....that was really hard to record when we were doing it, but totally worth it in the end. I'm hoping to attach it to this post! We're hoping to eventually put together a slide show as well, we ran out of time and wasn't able to get it done.

Loosing someone you love is never easy. The only thing that gets you through is knowing that it isn't goodbye...its more like a see ya later. We're all on this journey and they just got to go a little sooner. I had 17 wonderful years with my Grandpa and I will cherish those precious times and cling to those wonderful memories for ever. It's one of the only things getting me through. That and the amazing friends and family that have surrounded me with love and support though the whole thing and have continued to do so.

One thing I was told in the early beginning was that I would experience every emotion possible and boy is that true. I've felt everything from the horrible extreme sadness, to feeling really angry and confused, to feeling at peace and OK with things and then you just become numb, you almost get to the point you don't want to feel any emotion anymore, and then  back to being overwhelmed with sadness and everything in between. I've cried to the point of literally not having any more tears in me.   Everybody handles grief differently, no two people handle it the same way. That's one thing I've really noticed through this whole thing.
Another thing I was warned about was that it'd get harder, not easier as time went on. I've found that to be somewhat true. Yes its been hard since the beginning but I had the distraction of family and friends being around and surrounding you and you never really having time to think about it or give it much thought. Your busy with getting funeral arrangements done. letting everyone know whats going on and so on. It's when you get home and your not completely surrounded by someone at all times that it tends to really hit you hard...least that's what I'm finding!! And I know that I am NO where near through the worst...I think the worst is yet to come. I'm not sure its completely sunk in yet, I'm still in denial and shock I think.

It is by Gods grace and comfort and the wonderful prayers we've been lifted up in that's given us the strength to go on and get through each and everyday. Grief is a horrible thing but it's a very important step. God made us to grieve for a reason. If someone you know is grieving, let them. It's important. 

I came home the following Thursday after the funeral, Mom brought Grandma and the younger 2 kids home that Friday. It felt really good to be home and away from everything!  It was all I could do to be out at the farm for those two weeks that we were there...way to many reminders and memories everywhere. Though I know that yeah, the memories are painful now, but I'm going to be very thankful for all those wonderful memories I have and am going to have them to cling to when things get hard.

Grandma stayed with us about a week and a half or so then decided she wanted to go visit her sister in Texas. So mom and her left Monday and went to the farm first then on to Texas. It was a stressful couple days having Mom gone but we survived! She got back Wednesday and it's been great having her back home. We're all trying to adjust to our new "normal" . We're asking God to show us what our next step needs to be, in the way of what grandma needs to do. We know she cant live by her self right now but we're lost on where and what she's supposed to do. But God  has a plan and will show it to us in his timing.

Things have been a complete blur since the accident and am sorry if this is not all making since. I'm doing my best to get it all out but words just aren't coming. 

On Friday August 6, 2010. We buried my Grandpa in Kim, Colorado. Right next to his parents (my great grandparents) and I will never be the same.


  1. Bless your heart! Your post is a testament to you...your friends and family! I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you! Grandparents are soooo special!!! My prayers will continue to be with you all!
    Love, Elaine,Auntie in AZ

  2. Thanks "aunt" Elaine!! Your prayers mean a lot!!! it is a hard!!!! As you now know...My prayers and thoughts are with you during this difficult time your going through your self. Your right grandparents are very special!